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bansy
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Post by bansy » 26 Nov 2007

An email circulating around the web. Web Shanti.

Church Bulletins: They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences ( with all the BLOOPERS ) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference will include meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want
remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM. Prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

:P

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Post by arjun » 07 Dec 2007

Quoted from 'In lighter vein' published by BKs in the December, 2007 issue of PURITY magazine:

"What did one ghost say to another?" "Do you believe in people?"
-------------------------------------------
They call our language the mother tongue because the Father seldom gets to speak.
------------------------------------------
"I read your new book. Who wrote it for you?" "Who read it for you?"
------------------------------------------
"Do you think I'll lose my looks as I get older?" "Yes, if you are lucky."
------------------------------------------
I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.
------------------------------------------
We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
------------------------------------------
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
------------------------------------------
Sometimes, I need what only you can provide: your absence.

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Post by arjun » 12 Dec 2007

Sent to me by a friend through email:

A story on Auditors

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd,

'If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?'

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, 'Okay.'

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables.

He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 sheep.'

The shepherd cheers, 'That's correct, you can have your sheep.' The young man takes one of the animals from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks, 'If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?' The young man answers, 'Yes, why not?'

The shepherd says, 'You are an auditor.'

'How did you know?' asks the young man.

'Very simple,' answers the shepherd.' Firstly, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business ...'

'... Now can I have my dog back?
'


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cheers and have a nice day and weekend too
:lol:

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Post by bansy » 29 Dec 2007

This was on the web but I am not sure what all the terms mean but sure some of you techies like it.

Roles in Heaven

Brahma
Systems Installation

Vishnu
Systems Administration & Support

Lakshmi
Finance and Accounts consultant

Saraswati
Training and Knowledge Management

Shiva
DBA (Crash Specialist)

Ganesh
Quality Assuarance & Documentation

Narada
Data transfer

Yama
Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant

Chitragupta
IDP & Personal Records

Apsaras
Downloadable Viruses

Devas
Mainframe Programmers

Surya
Solaris Administrator

Rakshasas
In house Hackers

Ravan
! ;Internet Explorer WWWF

Kumbhakarnan
Zombie Process

Lakshman
Support Software and Backup

Hanuman
Linux/s390

Vaali
MS Windows

Sugreeva
DOS

Jatayu
Firewall

Dronacharya
System Programmer

Vishwamitra
Sr. Manager Projects

Shakuni
Annual appraisal & Promotion

Valmiki
Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document)

Krishna
SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle )

:P

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Post by bansy » 29 Dec 2007

Going around the web....

Indian History : Supposedly written by a schoolboy with all original spellings:

The original inhabitants of ancient India were called Adidases, who lived in two cities called Hariappa and Mujhe-na-Daro. These cities had the best drain system in the world and so there was no brain drain from them Ancient India was full of myths which have been handed down from son to Father. A myth is a female moth. A collection of myths is called mythology, which means stories with female caricatures. One myth says that people in olden times worshipped monkeys because they were our incestors.

In olden times there were two big families in India. One was called the Pandava and the other was called the Karova. They fought amongst themselves in a battle called Mahabharat, after which India came to be known as MeraBharat Mahan (My India is great).

In midevil times India was ruled by the Slave Dienasty. So named because they all died a nasty death. Then came the Tughlaqs who shifted their capital from Delhi because of its pollution. They were followed by the Mowglis(similar to tarzan). The greatest Mowgli was Akbar because he extinguished himself on the battlefield of Panipat which is in Hurryana. But his son Jehangir was peace loving; he married one Hindu wife and kept 300 porcupines. Then came Shahajahan who had 14 sons. Family planning had not been invented at that time. He also built the Taj Mahal hotel for his wife who now sleeps there. The king sent all his sons away to distant parts of India because they started quarrelling. Dara Seiko was sent to UP, Shaikh Bhakhtiyar was sent to J & K, while Orangespamspamspam came to Bombay to fight Shivaji. However,after that they changed its name to Mumbai because Shivaji's sena did not like it. They also do not like New Delhi, so they are calling it Door Darshan (A national TV channel).

After the Mowglis came Vasco the Gama. He was an exploder who was circumcising India with a 100 foot clipper. Then came the British. They brought with them many inventions such as cricket, tramtarts and steamed railways. They were followed by the French who brought in French fries, pizzazz and laundry. But Robert Clive drove them out when he deafened Duplex who was out membered since the British had the queen on their side.

Eventually, the British came to overrule India because there was too much diversity in our unity. The British overruled India for a long period.They were great expotents and impotents. They started expoting salt from India and impoting cloth. This was not liked by Mahatma Gandhi who wanted to produce his own salt. This was called the Swedish moment. During this moment, many people burnt their lion cloths in the street and refused to wear anything else. The British became very angry at this and stopped the production of Indian testiles.

In 1920, Mahatma Gandhi was married to one wife. Soon after he became the Father of the nation. In 1942 he started the Quiet India moment, so named because the British were quietly lootoing (Stealing) our country. In 1947, India became free and its people became freely loving. This increased our population. Its government became a limited mockery, which means people are allowed to take the law in their own hands with the help of the police. Our constipation is the best in the world because it says that no man can be hanged twice for the same crime. It also says you cannot be put in prison if you have not paid your taxis. Another important thing about our constipation is that it can be changed. This is not possible with the British constipation because it is not written on paper. The Indian parlemint consists of two houses which are called lower and higher. This is because one Mr Honest Abe said that two houses divided against itself cannot withstand. So Pandit Nehru asked the British for freedom at midnight since the British were afraid of the dark. At midnight, on August 15, there was a tryst in parlemint in which many participated by wearing khaki and hosting the flag. Recently in India, there have been a large number of scams and a plaque,it can be dangerous because many people died of this plaque in Surat. Scams are all over India. One of these was in Bihar where holy cows were not given anything to eat by their elected leader. The other scam was in Bofor which is a small town in Switzerlandspamspamspamspam this, a lot of Indian money was given to buy a gun which can shoot a coot.

Presently India has a coalishun government made up of many parties, left,right and centre. It has started to library the economy. This means that there is now no need for a licence as the economy will be driven by itself.

India is also trying to become an Asian tiger because its own tigers are being poached. Another important event this year was the Shark meeting at Malas Dive. At this place, shark leaders agreed to share their poverty, pollution and population.

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Post by bansy » 29 Dec 2007

For those interested in the Mahabharat, this is poff of Kaliyug government :P

Placed below is letter in reply to permission for shooting of film Mahabharta by the Producer,
Government of India
Ministry of Human Resources Development
Department of Culture
Films Division

No. B1452/234/2003 Dt. 11.11.03

To:
Shri. B.R.Chopra,
Film Director,
Mumbai

Ref: Your letter dt. 2.12.90 regarding financing of films by Govt of India - story submitted by you - namely, 'Mahabharat'

The undersigned is directed to refer the above letter and state that the Government has examined your proposal for financing a film called 'Mahabharat'. The Very High Level Committee constituted for this purpose has been in consultation with the Human Rights Commission, National Commission for Women and Labour Commission, in addition to various Ministries and State Governments, and have formed definitive opinions
about the script. Their observations are as below:

1. In the script submitted by you it was shown that there were two sets of cousins, namely, the Kauravas numbering hundred and the Pandavas numbering five. The Ministry of Health and Family Welfare has pointed out that these numbers are high above the norm prescribed for the families by them. It is pointed out that when the Government is spending huge amounts for promoting family planning, this will send wrong signals to the public.
Therefore, it is decided that there shall be only three Kauravas and one Pandava.

2. The Ministry of Parliamentary Affairs has raised an issue whether it is suitable to depict kings and emperors in this democratic age. Therefore, it is decided that the Kauravas shall be depicted as Honorable Members of Parliament (Rajya Sabha) and the Pandava shall be depicted as Honorable Member of Parliament (Lok Sabha)

3. The manner of birth of Kauravas is suggestive of human cloning, a technology banned in India. It must be changed to normal birth.

4. The National Commission for Women has objected that the Father of Pandavas, one Sri Pandu, is depicted as bigamous, and there is only one wife for the Pandava in common. However, with the reduction in number of Pandavas this issue can be addressed.

5. The Commission for the Physically Challenged has observed that the portrayal of the visually impaired character 'Dhritharastra' shall not be Derogatory. Therefore it is decided that the character shall not be shown as visually impaired.

6. It is felt that showing the Pandava and the Kauravas as gamblers will be anti-social and counter productive. Therefore, they should be shown to have engaged in horse racing. (Hon. SC has held racing not to be gambling).

7. The Pandavas were shown as working with the King of Virat desh without receiving any salary. According to the Human Rights Commission, this amounts to bonded labor. This must be corrected at once.

8. In the ensuing war, the character 'Abhimanyu' was shown as fighting. The National Labor Commission has observed that, war being a hazardous industry, and the said character being 13 years old, it can be construed as a case of child labor. This must be removed.

9. The character 'Sri Krishna' is wearing a peacock feather, an offence under the Wild Life Act. This must not be depicted. Also, Smt Maneka Gandhi has refused permission for using any elephants or horses in the war scenes.

10. In pursuance of the Memorandum of Ministry of Finance regarding austerity measures, it is informed that in the battlefield sequences, only ten soldiers will be allowed for each side. Also, all the characters must be shown to have obtained a valid license under the Arms Act.

11. Union Censor Board of India has objected to the pictorial shooting of "Drupadi Vastraapaharan" on the grounds of misguiding impressionable youth and Immorality.

You are therefore requested to modify the script along the lines indicated above and resubmit it to the undersigned at the earliest.

Sd/-
Under Secretary

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Post by arjun » 30 Dec 2007

Sister Bansy wrote:For those interested in the Mahabharat, this is poff of Kaliyug government. Placed below is letter in reply to permission for shooting of film Mahabharta by the Producer
Had B.R.Chopra been a BK/PBK he would have replied to the Government of India that in view of the advice given by the Hon'ble 'K' Government, he would defer the production of the epic serial to the next Kalpa to avoid any Mahabharata war in this Kalpa. :D

And you know what would have been Shivsena Bhai's advice to BRChopra? In view of the shooting that takes place in the Confluence Age, you are dutybound to show both true and false Gita in your epic serial :lol:.

I hope Shivsena Bhai would not mind this. :)

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Post by bansy » 09 Jan 2008

A THEORY OF CREATION

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man, Adi-dev, to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grand children.

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Post by bansy » 09 Jan 2008

WALKING IN THE MOUNTAINS

A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.

Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death.
Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail. Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there? "

A deep voice replied, "Yes, I am up here."

"Who is it?"

"It's the Lord"

"Can you help me?"

"Yes, I can help."

"Help me!"

"Let go."

Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"

"Let go. I will catch you."

"Uh ... Is there anybody else up there?"

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Post by bansy » 09 Jan 2008

GOD GOES ON VACATION

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to Brahma, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

Brahma, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," Brahma reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," Brahma says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Five thousand years ago I went there, blew it up, and they're STILL talking about it!"

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Post by arjun » 10 Jan 2008

From the January edition of Purity magazine published by BKs in English:

Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railways.
Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam, I am afraid it's too heavy.


**************

A leader of the opposition party was soliciting votes at an election meeting. "Brothers and sistres, this time you should vote for my party. The ruling party has cheated you for many years. Now give me a chance."

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Re: Jokes

Post by arjun » 08 Mar 2008

iknewit wrote:I am a bit bored with this forum! Most of it is rubbish especially all the PBK stuff etc. the PBK's are just advertising the BK knowledge and this is something we are trying to get away from. i don't even bother opening all the PBK stuff! I need laughing therapy right now!! Mr Green, where are all your jokes? I did not share this with you last year but your jokes were really hysterical especially the baking ones. Why don't we all have a bit more laughing therapy to help us get over the BK/PBK rubbish we've been conditioned with. Maybe a bit of laughter will take away our depression, sadness, suicidal thoughts etc created particularly through our life as a BK. So come on, lets have a laugh and some fun now. After all, that's what we all deserve now after the rigid and suppressed life we lead as a BK.
This one (taken from the March issue of Purity magazine published by BKs) is to give you a break from boredom brother iknewit :D

Father: This report gives you a D for conduct and an A for courtesy. How on earth did you manage that?
Son: Whenever I punch someone, I apologize. :biggrin:

*****************************************************
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So for today, I have finished two packs of chips and a chocolate cake. :wink:

I feel better already.

*****************************************************
A woman truck driver had decided to get a dog for protection.
As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."
"Perfect", the woman thought, and took the dog.
Then one day, two men in a parking lot approached her, and she watched to see how canine bodyguard would react.
Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car. :shock:

*****************************************************

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My pms are shut down by me. Thank you and best wishes to
you in your life's journey. :-)

The Difference Between Women & Men

Post by tete » 01 Apr 2008

MirrorMirror.jpg
Mirror Mirror
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you in your life's journey. :-)

Re: Jokes

Post by tete » 05 Apr 2008

They were together in the House.
Lightning.jpg
Lightning.jpg (2.43 KiB) Viewed 2170 times
Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

She wanted that ... more than anything.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out ... She screamed ... He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she did not resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on ... as did their growing passion. And there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together.

They knew it was wrong ... Their families would never understand ... So consumed were they in their passion that they heard no opening of doors ... just the faint click of a camera ...

>>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>

>>>>>

>>>

>>

>
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Re: Jokes

Post by tete » 24 Apr 2008

Warning the graphics look too real ... Ouch, That hurts to look at! ... Ever wonder where celibate ex-BKs go?
[youtube=8WTJ2tGhJl4&feature=user]Love Hurts![/youtube]

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