adikarisoul wrote:Every day I wake up hoping that something will change and that I'll find a way out ... But time is passing and nothing changes. Father, where are you?
Speaking meditatively, and to myself as much as to anyone in your quicksand, you may be unconsciously holding yourself in a situation where you are dependent on the universe to intervene. Hunger, impoverishment, need for companionship can be strong incentives to act in the world. he hunger for mutual sexual gratification motivates many. You may be driven to the next level of depth of authentically behaving and communicating, when the future of your partnership is on the line.
Crisis, says The Guide (a being channeled by Eva Pierrakos), is what precipitates change that we don't bring otherwise to our lives. From that entity's viewpoint, crisis is a blessing that breaks us out of our stuckness.
I prophesize for you Adi, that some combination of external crisis and inner incentive will catapult you into a new situation and new possibilities to engage your creative attentions.
There are people with much less incentive than you have to work with, Adi. Hospitals destroy the incentive for stroke patients (and many other patients!) to re-adapt themselves to drinking and eating. An IV keeps these people always topped-up with fluids and calories: they are never hungry and never thirsty, hence no urgency to explore what are some of our developmentally earliest functions, most deeplying embedded in our reflexes, with high probability of recovery. (There are so many different nerves going through the mouth, tongue, lips and jaw that people can survive with major disruptions to several different nerves.)
The addition of a nasal-gastric tube, an alien object that interferes with swallowing, that reflexes would eject by coughing, becomes a disfiguring badge of obedience. The patient, to survive, must voluntarily inhibit her own reflexes, subserving herself to the dictates of a distant other, a treatment that may be delivered compassionately under which one slowly loses one's own gender and all other vestiges of humanity.
In my meditative essays, I am exploring some examples of how and under what influences something like medical care - which we expect to be nourishing to health - can actually shatter the person's last defenses and depelete their last reserves of strength before some final shock deprives them of their lives.
Adi, probably you are not in a hospital, behind bars, attached to a tube that they say you may die if you remove it. You have incentives of some hungers.
Your tone of writing uses images of crisis. Of being smothered in quicksand. Do you want to dramatize the experience of being in the quicksand, or perhaps ask what you would be doing if you were pulled out of the quicksand, what you would see on four sides of where the quicksand is/was?
I have, personally, spent some days more or less helplessly reading the stuff on the Web, as thoough I could do nothing else. And then I hate myself for it. For all the other things I could have had in my life. How many happy moments of discovery i might have had noodling bluesy sounds out of the nylon string classical guitar that sits in the corner.
In one dream I was swimming in a pool, I had to do laps across the pool instead of down the length because a huge oblong block of tar blocked the way.
Sometimes we need the tar. When how and where to we invoke the tar? How does it help us? What does it protect ourselves from having to learn or to adjust, to expand our world, our conception of ourselves? How is it connected with our stubbornness, wanting everything on our our terms, stubborness so deep we would die to protect it, even though it may be our own straightjacket?
As far as caring for erogenous intimacy, I read what you say to mean you have a take-it-or-leave-it attitude but you are more attracted to "purity" (I don't know what you mean by this word.) I urge you to go deep, listen to your heart and your dreams. Your choices may determine the future of your relationship.