Hugs to you Adrikarisoul,
I hope what I say here is appropriate, and I never have been in your position of leaving the BKs. I have, however, been in the position of a great loss and redirection that puts me in a place of feeling lost, alienated and my whole future, which was built (I thought) on rock, taken away from me. So ...
A confession, I am one of those people who are addicted totally to the rotten filthy habits of smoking, and I hate it but am in the process of giving it up - no, not giving it up, gaining my independency, health etc back - and this is even at this traumatic time in my life. My point is ... up to reading a book on giving up smoking in the last few days, I had not been able to find a way to get my head or my emotions to still deal with my ex's involvement and him betraying me for them. And a book on how to stop smoking has!
Basically, it turned my thinking around. We, as addicts or people that are dependant, think that we need, or cannot function without our 'fix'. And this book continues to explain as smokers we are brainwashed into a certain style of thinking. As the book progressed it explained how 'smoking' was, in fact, the problem. Withdrawl is such a difficult thing to go through, and we think, I wouldn't be going through this and I would feel better if I could have a cigarette, but in fact we wouldn't be going through this if we hadn't had that first puff.
The problem was not the withdraw. The problem was the cause and we keep looking at the cause as the cure, as the means to feel 'good' again. The fact was put forward that non-smokers did not need a puff to be able to concentrate, to relax, to enjoy after food ... so the ciggie was, in fact, an illusion of being of benefit, of helping us to relax, to give us a pick up, etc etc.
It was doing just the opposite, because of being able to enjoy what we were doing and cherishing it, we were thinking about the next smoke, or escape from "the demon in the tummy" that horrible empty feeling in the gut, in our inner selves, that craves satisfying, and nothing but what actually gave it to us in the first place would make that horrible emptyiness go away ... but it only works for a short time before it needs feeding again.
Then it hit me ... I theoretically applied the same principals of the smoking with my relationship (or how it ended up) why couldn't I get past this point in my life? Why couldn't I accept what I had believed and given everything for wasn't real? That I had been deceived? That I knew there was a beautiful decent person inside who became so weak, treated me in such a despicable manner and understand how they could do so?
Then, reading the book, I understood. I was desperate for him to make it better, for him to fix it, to give what he had promised and to give my life back as I knew it. Logically, I knew it wasn't going to happen, but emotionally I couldn't get past it. Until I realised ... I was wanting my 'fix'. I was wanting the actually cause of the problem to come back. I was wanting to not go through the withdrawl side effects because they were just too awful ... UNTIL I realised that for me, I was just wanting a psuedo cigarette.
I could apply the principle of my addiction to ciggies to my 'addiction' to my relationship ... and, no, it is more involved than that of course but it layed the foundations for me to now go forward. For the first time in years, I now start to feel a little like 'me' again ...
I did not have this problem before, but I certainly have worked out why I am having it now ... and I don't want to have this horrible withdrawl and this pain in my life. All I was doing was expecting the cause to fix the problem ... The main thing is, now I know what i thought was what i wanted to happen was actually what was making me feel so rotten. I don't want it anymore. Just as i want to smoke less and less. (Well the pangs hit every now and then, but I don't cry in the shops anymore! :wink:).
I don't know if this makes any sense, and more than happy for you to remove this post if you like, I just know this line of thinking worked for me. It made sense, and I could apply it to any problem or issue in my life ... It made me work out what the real problem was. My mind has a way of telling me what i want to think. The beauty of it is ... the withdrawl is almost instantly painless ... not nearly so much of a problem as before!
I hope I haven't offended you in any way, or even if this is applicable, but given the misleading and outright deceptions of the BK organisation, and from what i have seen the absolute dependency on them, I could draw a parallel that this line of thinking could help.
I'll be honest, it was very difficult to be this honest with myself, I did not like the answers I gave myself but suicide is the furthest thing from my mind now. I am beginning to be a caring mum again and am starting to eagerly look forward to the rest of my life ... all through a book on how to give up smoking. I am really worried I've stepped out of line here and commented on something I've never experienced but if it helps, it was worth the risk.
I forgot to mention, one of the main points of the book was FEAR. What was it that I feared so much in giving up? In order to do that i had to work out what in fact I was getting out of it. That is where it became hard to be totally honest with myself and I had to put my first thoughts - my excuses- and come up with the answer; nothing. I convinced myself I 'enjoyed' an aspect of a certain thing, but all I was doing was justifying to myself and denying what I feared I would lose if I gave it up.
Now, I am finding the dried up well that was me is now getting back in touch with that never ending supply of love, of being able to do anything for anyone without much of a problem coming back. I thought I had lost it forever and the ability to truely care for anyone or anything. I just had to give up what I thought was the cure but in fact was the cause.
I found I could apply this model to the whole conundrum and also the smallest aspect of the issues I was dealing with. There is good and bad in everything. It was just a matter of working out each aspect, then looking at the total picture and seeing it as a whole. Then I knew, deep in my heart what the answer was ... and the best thing! The big black hole, the big pool of quicksand became something I can now start stepping around.
Warmest love, Di