I had very low self-esteem when I was a kid. I could get grades, I could put adults in my pockets, but I could not make friends my age, or could not keep them once I had made friends. I was in high school (3rd grade) when I first had my BK course.
Can you imagine? From close to zero I became a Soul; pure, divine, almighty, double light, loved by God Himself. I had a good deal, bought it right away. God had chosen me to be One of the Few. Long lost and now found (I don't know if that's how it's said in English, I did not receive the Knowledge in English).
Imagine a 16 year old kid chatting about spirituality with a bunch of 50 somethings ... on an equal level, since we're all talking about the same Murlis, aren't we? I had to slow down on school days but, boy, was I in it during vacations ... Until my life started to go the downway, and I started expecting the Brahmins to save me from my misery. I received a lot from them, I reckon, but it was not until I realized that I had to take responsibility for my own life, for my own happiness ... Baba will carry you on the wings of success"... yeah, right. When i got out of my mishaps, I wanted to return to the center again (I was about 22 at the time). I was a good singer, so arranged a little show for Xmas. Comments from the sister in charge: song too jazzy, not dressed accurately (I was wearing a winter sweater up to my neck with several layers but considering I am busty, it looked too showy), slapping of fingers doesn't look professional, etc ...
That's when I realized that whenever I was doing something really fun and enjoyable, or something that was important to them, it was never good enough. I would end up having to handle tensions, things unsaid, misunderstandings ...
The reason why I joined, is that i wanted someplace I belonged. Someplace where they would accept me as I am, where I would feel at peace. Thinking about the Center all together was making me sad. So I quit. Then I saw the underside of Gyan.
People arguing about petty things like; should we offer coffee in the ceremonies? Who makes the drishti and read the Murli in the morning? When is food supposed to be offered, before or after the Murli? Who makes that food?
The absolute refusal of confrontation unless "do or die" situations, the isolation of some brothers and sisters who refused to follow the main line of the Sister, person who was in emotional distress herself, trying to manage the burden of Center life and peer pressure. Fighting with herself and others, trying to find out what God wants her to do. That's when I decided to leave. If she, after so many years was in this state, how was I gonna be? Was I gonna have to be alone too in my pain?
Brahmins have a way of evading conflicts that is supernatural :D. One day, I was discussing with Dadi (won't mention wich one because the I would be identifiable, my argumentation was publicised). I asked why women weren't allowed to cook during their period, even if they did not feel any pain or feel moody? Answer; they just aren't. Youhou! That's an answer! The issue about when exactly we were supposed to be pure was a good one too, and so was the one about the interpretations of the Murlis (Remember, one has to interpret the Murlis to the newcomers, how are we gonna make sure that all newcomers would understand the same things)?
So, that is my road. 12 years in and out of Gyan. No feedback, except the ones my brother gives me, and sister who treated me like a real one. I am still thinking that if my life was so great, and envy worthy, then I should be bragging about it. "Hey, look! I am a Brahmin! Got a pool in my house!!!" I should telll others about how excited I am to wake up in the morning and live my day.
Contrarily to Aladdin, I do believe there's a way out. I just don't want to take it, 'cause i don't want to forget. The pain, the resentment, the burning shame of giving up, the sadness of feeling like a victim. i don't want to forget all that. I don't want to be blind again. I will never be satisfied with an answer like, "Hey, this is your karma, now, shoo! Good girl!" ...
May I ask from which of my post you are not quoting, did you get the impression that I see no way out? From what? Actually I think I am rather spaced out and a bit far out and long been kind of out of the BKs. I have not been banished or kicked out. Since I tend to experience a natural - hi , and I am not a pessimist, I guess you misunderstood me. Please let me know, don't let me found out by myself!!!
Yes, it was needless to recite the whole post, but it does mean a lot to me, 'cause it reflexes a lot of my own feelings ...alladin wrote:The realization that I was dysfunctional in many ways when I came into Gyan and that these psyc defects, are still all there and maybe have been hidden or even enhanced whilst giving my mind to the BK organisation. I am starting to make a list:
- Need for a spiritual real warm family to belong to, and this we were promised to find in the BK organisation.
- Tendency to be laid back and not really ambitious, not for the "Babylon" aspirations and lifestyle for sure. Simple life and high thinking resonates with me, so, the info that destruction is round the corner was conveniently convincing. Why should I bother to do much in my life, in terms of lokik achievements? End is coming soon, no study is higher than Gyan, no job gains us good karma and satisfaction, compared to God's service.
Everyone had his nice luggage when walked through the Hotel California doorstep (Raja Yoga center). You can get in anytime you like but you can never leave.
Some were "pleasers", sought for approval, some were feeling inadeguate or guilty, and ended up feeling worse. Apparently BKWSU should help one in gaining higher consciousness and self esteem, we are taught not to compare ourselves with others, see ourselves with Baba's vision, what we really are inside, our potential, our eleveted self, but the methods applied on us were/are those of carrot and stick, pressure to conforming to stereotypes, or else we become class B BKs and are not accepted, in fact disapproved of by SS , comparing, racing, feeling less holy if we were not up to certain standards. Common way to survive: Pretending we are angels, pathetically striving to become worthy of approval.
I always felt little unconditional motherly love, and a lot of patriarchal judgment, coming from our gurus to start with, this system is passed onto high and mid ranks, in charges, etc ... Lots of lies and broken promises, such as the one " you can have a direct link to God, by learning this medit . method, you are his child and the days of Bhakti, when we were feeling low and distant from him are over". The prevalent idea of God BKWSU pushes on us, is Dharamraj, and is rather alien to me, but I see it reflected and all pervasive in the BK system. Can this all lead anywhere else but depression, or more avoidance of real issues we carry with us? Is this sane or healthy?
Not to interfere with the reader's freedom, I will refrain from underlining some passages. So, enjoy the song. It's over 30° C, 86° F where I am now, but I am getting the creeps.
The Eagles - Hotel California
On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy, and my sight grew dimmer I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway; I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself, 'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor, I thought I heard them say...
Welcome to the Hotel California Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)
Plenty of room at the Hotel California Any time of year, you can find it here
Her hair is Tiffany-twisted, She got the Mercedes Benz
She's got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, that she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget
So I called up the Captain, 'Please bring me my wine'
He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since 1969'
And still those voices are calling from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night Just to hear them say...
Welcome to the Hotel California Such a lovely Place (such a lovely face)
They leave it all up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise, bring your alibis
Mirrors on the ceiling, the pink champagne on ice
And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'
And in the master's chambers, they gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives, but they just cannot kill the beast
Last thing I remember, I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before
'Relax' said the nightman, We are programmed to receive.
You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave]
People will laugh, but I've had real nightmares due too that song when I was a kid. The part I mention in my post is the last phrase of the song, which I felt for a long time was going to be my own experience with BK ... Thank heavens it hasn't turned out that way.
Though these were your words, they aren't necessarily what you think. I apologize for extrapolating. And hope to have the pleasure of discussing with you in the near future.
- Posts: 440
- Joined: 01 May 2006
- Affinity to the BKWSU: ex-BK
- Please give a short description of your interest in joining this forum.: I was an active BK for 12 years. That was long ago. Now I am just a person.
In the song "Hotel California", some of the lyrics indeed go "you can check in anytime u like but u can never leave", as in all addictions. Is this what u mean when I say that my vision is that there's no way out? Easy to step into a Raja Yoga center, not so easy to disentangle oneself!
You know, it's only after coming across this Forum that I started to envisage the possibility that the BKWSU could actually be a cult, a sect, and not just some harmless, bland meditation school which "derailed" over time. I realized, thanks to other posters, that the BK programming was powerful and had gotten under my skin, more than I thought, and affected me or not been helpful in me dealing with deep seated dysfunctions - although I am not fanatically "anti", and I keep on saying that many of the teachings were useful, I am not into throwing away thew whole lot!
I am also acknowledging how difficult it is for anybody that's been involved with the BK for any lenght of time, to leave, to recover without guilty feelings, etc., to start "thinking straight" again. It is a healing and de-programming process that can happen, not overnight, though. So, ultimately, I believe - and have proof of that daily - in the inner power we souls have to take life into our own hands and I greatly value the "little help from our friends" and the Great Spirit we can get. Maybe this opportunity is fruit of the good karma we created by adhering to and cooperating with the BKWSU innocently and meaning well. :wink:
Best wishes to all!
Welcome and nice post. As someone who has been with the BKWSU as a youth, maybe you could also offer some added insights and experience in the Youth subforum.
As with the Eagles, I quite like to "Take it Easy" though, with Gyan in mind, maybe it would be better to "Take it to the (un)Limit" :P.
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