Feelings of a newcomer

Post Reply
bkti-pit
BK
Posts: 274
Joined: 14 Jun 2007
Affinity to the BKWSU: ex-BK

Feelings of a newcomer

Post by bkti-pit » 12 Aug 2007

In this first post I would like to introduce myself.

I have been introduced to the Raja Yoga meditation by a friend in 1983. He simply told me about "I am a soul", which made a lot of sense to me, and we had a 30 minutes open eye meditation together. I liked everything about it but that was it. I met that friend a couple of times during that summer. Each time he would tell me a little more about his new lifestyle and we would have a meditation together. It was nice but no more.

Later that year I made my first visit to a BK center for the evening meditation. It was a powerful life changing experience. I experienced myself as a soul, I experienced the Soul World, I experienced eternity, the eternal and original nature of the soul and I experienced the Ocean of Love. I had the clear feeling of coming back to someone that I had been separated from for a long long time. In my heart, I made a life commitment to that Being of Love who I felt I had been searching since 2 to 3 thousand years. I had not been told anything yet about the Supreme Soul or the cycle of 5000 years and did not believe in reincarnation. For the first time of my life I felt understood. I had always been so different, kind of out of sync with this world of greed and arrogance, of fake and violence. Not only did I feel understood but I felt I was very dear to this Being and that my difference and mis-adaptation to the world were something very valuable. I knew this was God.

My feelings for the BKs were mixed though. On one hand, I felt welcomed and I really felt home, despite the white sari, the incense and the Indian posters but, on the other hand, I felt that something was forced, something was fake. Nonetheless, after such an experience during the meditation I was interested to know more.

I was living hours away from the nearest BK center but I got the Correspondence Course and got more explanations from my friend whenever we would meet. I began practicing meditation, although not regularly. I was already vegetarian and thought celibacy was a great thing but it took me some time to adopt it.

Once in a while I would receive classes from Dadi Janki but it was only a couple of years later, on my first participation to a Bk retreat, that I was exposed to the Murlis. I do not remember anything from the Sakar Murli but listening to the Avyakt Murli I felt that it was the same Baba that I was experiencing in my meditations who was speaking personally to me. As far as the BKs were concerned, I felt that beyond the facade and the fake, beyond the control and the ego issues, they all had some genuine experience of God and were sincere effort makers. I decided to drop my resistances and accepted to belong.

From that day, although I still had problems with the identical repetition of The Cycle, I fully adopted the BK life, started waking up for Amrit Vela every morning and was allowed to read Murlis at home. I enjoyed each Avyakt Murli but not as much the Sakar Murlis: too much Indian Bhakti stuff which I did not relate to. It took me a while to develop love for the Sakar Murlis.

I eventually moved near a center, got involved in service, became a teacher and ended up becoming the right hand of the sister-in-charge. I have now moved to a bigger regional center where I am mostly assigned to physical tasks.

I love my Brahmin life. I can say that the study and practice of Raja Yoga has helped me tremendously. It made me better. I became more loving towards all and more in tune with my conscience. It freed me from most of my guilt feelings and my fears and pains (including physical ailments). My mind is clearer and lighter, my sense of truth and my intuition sharper. I have learned a lot about honesty, humility and self-respect and I am much less susceptible to negative influences. I could go on and on ...

However, I have seen a lot in the BK world that doesn't match my understanding of the teachings, a lot of arrogance and selfishness, a lot of power struggles and bossiness, verbal and emotional abuse, a lot of lies and hypocrisy ... Here also I could go on and on!

The first time I heard that a young London kumari had been abused in Madhuban, it was just another item to the list for me. I had seen and heard so much already. However, I was shocked by the absence of reaction from the administration of the Yagya. Not only did they not provide any help or support to the victim but she was told that it was her karma! What an unloving mis-interpretation of the spiritual knowledge received from God. It was not my first experience of lack of love and compassion from the BKs or of mis-interpretation and mis-use of the knowledge, of attempts of cover-up, etc, in other words of lack of spirituality, but this one was beyond and above them all.

I was told I could find out more about it on the web. My search took me to this site and I read E. Romain story. When our regional senior had introduced the new child protection policy at our Center, I had sensed that there must had been some situation and that this was an emergency response to protect the Yagya from lawsuits, etc. Reading this story made it clear that I was right. I was totally disgusted. How much lower and stinkier with dishonesty and hypocrisy can we get? And I am not talking about the ordinary BK, I am talking about some of the top ones in the BK hierarchy. I went into shock ...

Now, a few years later, I have recovered from it to some extent but I am still processing ... I came back to this site from time to time, checking the news. I eventually browsed the forum and decided to join.

Let me stop here for now. In my next post I would like to share about my experience of the Forum and try to explain where I stand as a full time surrendered BK who does not want to avoid the facts about the corruption, the dishonesty and the hypocrisy in the BK world.

Love to all!

User avatar
bansy
Posts: 1643
Joined: 30 Apr 2006
Affinity to the BKWSU: ex-BK

Post by bansy » 12 Aug 2007

Dear BKTI-Pit

Thanks for sharing your experience with us.

It is always good to share the positive aspects of each person's life with others, I think it uplifts others. We all have ups and downs and to have the ups outweigh the downs is the way to progress for oneself.

I still feel the BK experience is an important one for many, as in any organisation or community of people, there will always be faults as well as stengths. This forum has it too. The difference I find in this forum is that the scopes for oneself is wider, whereas at a centre, we are surrounded by the limitations (sometimes securities or insecurities) of that centre itself, and the peoples involved. We may even feel that BKWSU life is defined by that centre itself, since we give our life to that centre daily. How many times we hear of one centre is like this whilst another like this, but why my one is like this? So thus the leaders and centres in charge make a huge difference to the view of the BKWSU.

When one looks at this forum as a whole, one will realise that we all want to improve ourselves, and this in effect will improve the BKWSU. As it is said, the world changes only if we change. Change is not as easy as it said. Balance is very key.

Looking forward to your views on this forum too. I have not been on this forum (which is an extension of the defunct XBKChat forum) as long as others but what I see is a maturing of members and a sense of understanding and purpose. However, this view may be shortsighted so it is fresh for a new perspective.

As a final, I would like to ask your brief viewpoint of the PBKs, as this entity is quite new for most BKs but yet plays an important role in the BK history, but all in good time and at your own pace.
I love my Brahmin life.
That is very refeshing and rewarding.

Welcome again.

User avatar
fluffy bunny
ex-BKWSU
Posts: 5365
Joined: 07 Apr 2006
Affinity to the BKWSU: ex-BK
Please give a short description of your interest in joining this forum.: ex-BK. Interested in historical revisionism, failed predictions and abuse within the BK movement.

Post by fluffy bunny » 12 Aug 2007

Thanks. Its fair to be reminded of the good stuff on a personal side. Yup, its a shame, its a head scratcher what to do and you are doing the wise thing by keeping your head below the parapet.

One has to wonder if the 'frozen in time' personality of Lekhraj Kirpalani and the BKs of that time in the Sakar Murlis are responsible for much of the problem. But don't let me interrupt your personal thread.

I think there is a division between the honest gopis who just want to get on with simple lives and loving their god; and those sucked into all the power and "espionage" stuff. Let's hope we can iron out some of the convolutions, shed light on the eccentricities and build in a system that protects the vulnerable.

User avatar
alladin
Friends and family of
Posts: 718
Joined: 27 Feb 2007

Post by alladin » 12 Aug 2007

Hi, BKTi-Pit. I suppose this could be the right place to welcome you on the Forum. Your start was gradual, nonetheless, many feelings and experiences are similar for all of us.

These days my intellect is drawn into reading the state of mind and causes for us to accept and believe falsity and wrongdoings, or I could say how were we turned into robots? Maybe because internally I am in a stage that calls rationality and instinct to make an everlasting fruitful peace. I am exploring in hindsight that "honeymoon stage", the roots of my BK infatuation. What was self-suggestion? What was real? What had been induced by people or subtle external forced in me? So, do you mind if I comment in italics to some of your statements?
I had the clear feeling of coming back to someone that I had been separated from for a long long time.

- OK, I wrote yesterday about that initial feeling of being "long lost now found, separated from God for 5000 yrs. "The feeling felt real, but in hindsight, could it be just that someone instilled it in us, like many other beliefs?

we had a 30 minutes open eye meditation together

- it did make a difference to me, I felt as if the sister drishti - mind, a very sweet yogi one, she left Gyan few years later!! - parted the fog, opened a curtain that was over my third eye. What was it, some internal influence using the sister to enter my energy?

Not only did I feel understood but I felt I was very dear to this Being and that my difference and mis-adaptation to the world were something very valuable. I knew this was God.

- I also felt different and misunderstood in the Kaliyug world, like Cinderella or a black sheep.

My feelings for the BKs were mixed though.

- Mine too, somethings were pulling me, some were repelling me, different bells were ringing!! :roll: .

thought celibacy was a great thing,

- May I ask why did u think that? Burnt with women? In my case It was a bit of that, conflicting ideas with men, and also the desire to experience love on a different "higher" level, purged from possessiveness, jealousy, dependency, fights, misunderstanding, etc ...

I felt that beyond the facade and the fake, beyond the control and the ego issues, they all had some genuine experience of God and were sincere effort makers. I decided to drop my resistances and accepted to belong.

- Yes, this is the point that resonates in my heart and I feel was the key step we took.

However, I have seen a lot in the BK world that doesn't match my understanding of the teachings, a lot of arrogance and selfishness, a lot of power struggles and bossiness, verbal and emotional abuse, a lot of lies and hypocrisy ... Here also I could go on and on! It was not my first experience of lack of love and compassion from the BKs or of mis-interpretation and mis-use of the knowledge, of attempts of cover-up, etc, in other words of lack of spirituality, but this one was beyond and above them all. How much lower and stinkier with dishonesty and hypocrisy can we get? And I am not talking about the ordinary BK, I am talking about some of the top ones in the BK hierarchy. I went into shock ... I am still processing where I stand as a full time surrendered BK who does not want to avoid the facts about the corruption, the dishonesty and the hypocrisy in the BK world.

And this is why we felt torn. Many teachings and people we liked, the honest gopis ex-l mentions in her post, and the rest, which stinks. Difficult for me to teach and recruit, these days.

I've been in Gyan 21 years, and had no problem with that years ago, but as corruption increased and since I am becoming more aware of nonsenses and wrongdoings. I feel that I cannot sell this product. It 'd be like pulling people in the same trap where I had been. Even if I "warned" them as it seems you are doing, I no longer feel I'd be passing on to others the benefit I took initially. I cannot compromise any more. In a way I feel that our generation was privileged because there was more simplicity, if not complete innocent, in the Yagya and the Yoga aspect was in those days "king".

User avatar
abrahma kumar
Friends and family of
Posts: 1133
Joined: 23 Jun 2006
Affinity to the BKWSU: ex-BK
Contact:

Welome BKTi-Pit

Post by abrahma kumar » 12 Aug 2007

Welcome BKTi-Pit and thanks for the introduction.

User avatar
joel
ex-BK
Posts: 440
Joined: 01 May 2006
Affinity to the BKWSU: ex-BK
Please give a short description of your interest in joining this forum.: I was an active BK for 12 years. That was long ago. Now I am just a person.

Welcome BKTi-Pit

Post by joel » 12 Aug 2007

Welcome to LOST BK SURVIVOR ISLAND! Here we are clothed in jungle vines, in opinions, beliefs, and the various experiences that have been tattooed on our souls. We roast the pig of pig-headedness, spit out the sweets of self-deception and manipulation, slaughter the sacred cow of unquestioning obedience.

1983 BKTI-Pit ... that's 24 years! Long enough to see and hear and understand a lot.

But I can boast. I was two years ahead of you in my "recognition" of the BKs, myself, and God according to their framework.

I, too, heard Anand Kishore talk about how Brahma used to think he was God. Maybe we were in Madhuban at the same time, taking the same classes ...

One of the positive aspects that the BKs emphasize is that everyone who joins the group finds ways to pitch in and help in ways that lead to practical accomplishments, improved social skills, and general self-confidence.

Unfortunately, there is another side to the group. Many of the social dynamics revolve around position and authority resembling closely the hierarchies of many other religious groups.

For those of us who participate here, we find a certain therapeutic value in being able to speak openly to others about events and questions whose discussion the BKWSU family suppressed. Many of us found that the God we met through the BKs does not heal all wounds. He did not purify us. Cutting relationships with all human beings and having all relations with One did not make us complete. Conversely, we became even more isolated, suggestible, vulnerable. Our experiences of personal hurt did not fit the story of the "healthy" BKs whose all desires were fulfilled and whose lives were overflowing with ecstatic experiences.

Truth (to the extent that there is one "Truth") surely is not diminished by the fact of the multiple viewpoints here. Over several years we have evolved into a community of our own, sharing in the accomplishments, hurts and healing of our participants. I have no doubt that God would approve of open discussions that a careful reading of this site would reveal to Him.

Welcome to the fun, the tears, love, rage, (sometimes) academic debate and other messy human richness to be found and shared here. If all the trees in the world were turned to pencils, it would take a long time to write all of the diverse experiences expressed on this site!

bkti-pit
BK
Posts: 274
Joined: 14 Jun 2007
Affinity to the BKWSU: ex-BK

Post by bkti-pit » 13 Aug 2007

I am still trying to articulate the presentation of my feelings and where I stand as a BK in the context of this forum, so I will come back on this another day.

However, I would like to answer two questions that were put to me after I posted my personal introduction.

To bansy:

I have a few BK friends who went to the PBKs. Some of them were pretty good friends. Some are still there, one left and came back to the BKs, another left and did not return to the BKs but remains as a friend of both, yet another one swings between the two, not sure of where he belongs.

They shared their excitement with me when they first went into it and I listened with an open mind and even read one or two of their Murlis but I did not feel the truth in that and had no pull.

I know a bit more by now and it seems that they have a flawless package of knowledge, an explanation for all the unexplained from the BK knowledge and an answer to all questions but as far as I am concerned this doesn't mean that it is the truth. However, for some reason I recently developed an interest to explore their teachings fully. We shall see where it will take me ...


To alladin:

I thought that celibacy was a great thing even before Gyan, based on my sense of right and wrong. It is one of those things that made me so different from the world.

I used to consider that the purpose of sex was to have kids, that the fun was an interesting by-product but that there was something wrong in being greedy for sex and that ultimately there was a sense of self dignity in being able to discipline my appetite for sex. Although I thought like that, it did not stop me from indulging ... until I came to Baba.

User avatar
bansy
Posts: 1643
Joined: 30 Apr 2006
Affinity to the BKWSU: ex-BK

Post by bansy » 13 Aug 2007

Dear BKTI-Pit. Thanks for your reply.

bkti-pit
BK
Posts: 274
Joined: 14 Jun 2007
Affinity to the BKWSU: ex-BK

Post by bkti-pit » 13 Aug 2007

I thought I could begin exposing my feelings as a full time surrendered BK joining this forum by responding to this statement:
joel wrote:Welcome to LOST BK SURVIVOR ISLAND! ... Welcome to the fun, the tears, love, rage, (sometimes) academic debate and other messy human richness to be found and shared here.
This is my first experience as a participant to an Internet forum and I certainly feel warmly welcomed and I do appreciate. Thanks!

I am thrilled also to learn more about the hidden history of the BKs and the opportunity to share openly with some of my brothers and sisters who have decided to opt out. Over the years so many have left, many of which I considered amongst the best ones; and it was not without a pinch to the heart that I saw them go. In many occasions I tried to keep in touch but it can only go so far if it is only coming from my side.

This morning's blessing at the end of the Murli was about creating such a fortress of spiritual vibrations that no one would want to leave. I was thinking that it is one thing if someone realizes this not his/her path, got what he/she wanted from it and is ready to move ahead and leave on good terms. But when someone leaves because the heart cannot take anymore of our selfishness, our arrogance and our bossiness, because of the coldness of our hearts, the lack of care and understanding, because they are not allowed to be themselves, because we preach something but we don't live up to it or because they have been pushed out ... then there is something wrong with us.

What's the point to go sit in Baba's Room for Amrit Vela and listen to the Murli everyday if we cannot open our hearts to the reality of our own siblings? What do we have to preach if our actions show that we don't know what spiritual love is? How arrogant it ts to pretend that we are creating a new world whilst after 20, 40 or 60 years of Yoga we're still giving sorrow to so many!

This is how I feel after 24 years of a wonderful journey of love and self-transformation. I love them all despite the shortcomings but my heart wishes there would be more honest and open communication. There is open communication in small informal groups of friends or like-minded BKs, but otherwise the atmosphere is generally not very conducive to that. In this regard I think that this forum is great.

I expect to be challenged at times when I share some of my views, experiences and feelings but I wish it could always remain polite and respectful, as it has been so far. I already feel a lot of love in my heart for many of you although I know very little about you. There is already a lot that I would like to respond to and a few new topics that I would like to discuss with you all but I have a lot more to explore yet in this LOST BK SURVIVOR ISLAND.

Thanks again!

User avatar
yudhishtira
Reforming BK
Posts: 189
Joined: 19 Feb 2007
Affinity to the BKWSU: ex-BK

Post by yudhishtira » 14 Aug 2007

Hi BKTi-Pit! And welcome!

I am glad you feel able to post here. There are a whole variety of views here and I am sure you will find plenty of discussions you can join. Personally, I have found that you do not have to throw out your spirituality because it is not being practiced by others, and I sense this is also where you are at.

It is good to be able to share openly here, because there is such a climate of fear and secrecy in the western BK family. I wish you well in your journey

User avatar
paulkershaw
ex-BK
Posts: 684
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Affinity to the BKWSU: ex-BKWSU
Please give a short description of your interest in joining this forum.: I am an ex-teacher and member of the BKWSU and my interest lies in assisting those who request support on any level I can.
Location: South Africa

Post by paulkershaw » 15 Aug 2007

BKTi-Pit wrote:This is my first experience as a participant to an Internet forum and I certainly feel warmly welcomed and I do appreciate. Thanks! ... I expect to be challenged at times when I share some of my views, experiences and feelings but I wish it could always remain polite and respectful, as it has been so far. I already feel a lot of love in my heart for many of you although I know very little about you. There is already a lot that I would like to respond to and a few new topics that I would like to discuss with you all but I have a lot more to explore yet in this LOST BK SURVIVOR ISLAND.
WELCOME indeed BKTi-Pit its wonderful to read your opening posts and to 'feel' the respect and honesty with whcih you wish to belong here-on. I am sure that you will find exactly what you give here-on the forum and who knows, you may be able to challenge some of our ideals and views too, so welcome. We're a great forum family ... and we're easy to love too!

Much Light
xx p

User avatar
proy
ex-BK
Posts: 489
Joined: 30 Apr 2006
Affinity to the BKWSU: ex-BK
Please give a short description of your interest in joining this forum.: Started as BK became ex-BK here

Open Hearts

Post by proy » 01 Sep 2007

BKTi-Pit wrote:What's the point to go sit in Baba's Room for Amrit Vela and listen to the Murli everyday if we cannot open our hearts to the reality of our own siblings? What do we have to preach if our actions show that we don't know what spiritual love is? How arrogant it ts to pretend that we are creating a new world whilst after 20, 40 or 60 years of Yoga we're still giving sorrow to so many!

This is how I feel after 24 years of a wonderful journey of love and self-transformation. I love them all despite the shortcomings but my heart wishes there would be more honest and open communication. There is open communication in small informal groups of friends or like-minded BKs, but otherwise the atmosphere is generally not very conducive to that. In this regard I think that this forum is great.

I expect to be challenged at times when I share some of my views, experiences and feelings but I wish it could always remain polite and respectful, as it has been so far.
Thanks again!
Congratulations on a very well written and heartfelt post BKTi-Pit.

The part of your post that I have quoted above means a lot to me. I wish there were more open minded BKs like you. There do seem to be more and more BKs posting on this forum, and gaining sustenance from it. This is creating a nice balance and I will remain polite and respectful, as you ask, even when I may disagree with you. Remember, nearly all of us were BKs at one time.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests