Hi, it feels like a long time, since Di started this topic saying that, "We have chosen to be with men who attracted us initially by their gentle, sincere approaches and their spirituality and their ability to have fun and intimacy ...".
In the meantime I, myself, became involved with an exiting BK and got burnt as never before. It was obvious, and he himself admitted, that his life was chaotic and the exiting BK part represented a big touchy issue. So, being rational, someone might have asked, "you knew it from the start, why did you not stay away from him?" I think, first of all, simply because the heart is not rational. Once we give our heart and have started investing emotionally, we find it difficult to pull out. Even against any evidence.
We think that "spiritual" people will not be needy of assistance, and will not drain our energy. We feel safe with them, trusting that they have training and principles such that they will be fair, honest, clear and will not make us suffer. For those of us that aren't, and will never be just "good weather friends", the trap is that we don't know how deep in the quicksands or pathological someone maybe, and how he can damage us accordingly.
So, here I am practising introspection and seeking light from the Forum. I have a long record for getting involved with men who have difficult mental and practical situations, addicts etc ..., went through some counselling so that I could break the pattern and stop being a "saviour". In fact, in this case, (although part of me says, "I've done it again!!"), I don't think I wanted to play that role. I did not want to "fix him".
I thought that we got together to share good feelings, reminding each other of useful spiritual teachings and principles we learnt, seeing the potential lying in each other's personality that was beyond the present circumstances and appearances. Well, he swung between the euphoria of having met in a very magic way, coloured by God's intervention, placing me on a pedestal on which I did not want to be put, to the other extreme of constantly looking for faults and reasons why he shouldn't be with me. (I don't want to play amateur psychologist but ... is he affected by bipolarism???). This whilst I was trying to maintain a positive vision of him, in spite of the negative, doubts + guilt filled one he has of himself, that made him ask me many times if I really thought he was "the one" my heart recognized and accepted. Always looking for my reassurances, suggesting that he was not worthy of my love and trust.
We talked about obsessive, compulsive behaviours, addiction, co-dependency, but as I was reading the "quicksand" topic, "depression", a new way to read, a possibility came into picture. The whole story about depressed people having a poor image of themselves, the constant internal negative self-talk, so powerful that no warmth or light of love can pierce that curtain. And their conclusion that they are better off facing their issues without a friend. So, maybe I shouldn’t take it personally, as a "rejection". We know how low our self esteem can fall if we allow that feeling to creep in!
This is the decision he seems to have reached, unilaterally, so quick that I had no time to adjust or fully realize. Me, being a "shakti", probably makes him feel free to hurt me. It is so convenient to think that I am made of steel!! Strange enough, I am the same person in which he admired hot temper and warmth ...
A Forum friend asked me if, when we met, I was waiting for a knight in armour riding a white horse to rescue me, but my sincere answer was "NO"!. I thought that we were 2 warriors in fact, bound by complicity and common aims, able to empower each other and cross any situation better in that synergy. But this dream got shattered and, sure, it takes 2 persons to believe in it, to make it happen.
As much as the brother is anti-BK at the moment, I recognize some typical BK behaviours in him. Maybe he acquired them from the BKs or maybe he became a BK because he's like that; not much transparency in behaviours and communication, imposing something on the other person, deciding "what's good for you", the woman is a doorway to hell, detachment as a cure, pretending that everything is OK and beneficial, a high degree of fatalism, you deal with your bad feelings, it's your karma any way, if you took suffering, it's your problem, not my responsibility.
When we met, more than one friend said, "well, healthier to stay away from BKs and EXs". I understood and believed they were right at that time, but nonetheless got involved and made a blunder - as happened before with lokik men too!! - with the brother I made the experiment with!! I feel seduced and abandoned. So, on top of the negative feelings any woman has in these situations, kleenex thrown in the dust bin, there's a sort of "punishment for breaking Shrimat" type of feeling I have to fight back. As if I had been defiant to the BK gods and rules (it's not the first time I have physical relationships at all, but this time it was with an exiting BK, very intense story, and with different significances attached due to the common spiritual path and experiences...) and got punished. Was it just " Maya", after all, in a super royal camouflaged form?
The life and mind of the brother were in a total mess before we met. He wove a nice web around me and we talked thoroughly and very openly about sex and did it. When he was enticing me, he had plenty of time and words to invest and demanded my energy in that. But at the time of pulling out, he showed just lack of care, covertness; typical BK detachment.
He's the one who made it clear from Day One that he had not been following celibacy for years and did not want celibacy in his life any more. I said I was open to anything, whichever direction things evolved to, and I gave and asked for the guarantee that any decision we might take in that respect, if our feelings changed later on, should be talked about openly; not taken unilaterally and imposed on the other person. And especially, I promised and he did too, that if ever sex was out of our relationship, we could still allow affection to flow, so that the heart chakra could stay open.
Very suddenly, giving me virtually no time to adjust nor a proper explanation, he slapped me with detachment, giving me the bitter pill of, "let's just be friends". That, in this case, rather than a step forward feels like a death sentence. I found it difficult, for few days, to even voice this out. There were other tough aspects in the relationship and our lives that were issues and seemed to be priorities.
Let me finish now. Hope you are all in good shape. In fact, after shedding tears as part of the script, I feel as I usually do, that I am rising again from the ashes. When that internal bell will ring next time, telling me "watch out, tears ahead! ...", will I listen, protect myself, keep the door of my heart closed, wait for the stranger to prove he's OK and harmless? Or will I forever be incapable of seeing the wolves when they come in my life disguised as lambs???