Repairing lokik family relationships ruined as a BK

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primal.logic
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Repairing lokik family relationships ruined as a BK

Post by primal.logic » 16 Jan 2008

An ex bk raised the subject with me about repairing the personal family relationships that were 'renounced' as a bk. The issue is that when we become BKs we are taught that our husbands/wives/children are attachments, bondage, and the burden of our impure karma. Given that we are discontent with our lives when we become BKs and that God himself is now the central feature in our lives, relationships are broken, our children are traumatised. Meanwhile we lecture them on the ultimate importance of what we are doing and maybe apologise for the 'inconvenience' of our change of direction.

After maybe many years of bk fundamentalism we then find ourselves on the outside of the bk cult and discover the only real thing left is our long lost and very angry lokik family. Apart from being depressed, confused and suicidal - which I realise is the most common experience for people leaving the BKs - there is now a need to repair those family relationships.

The big question is "how?"

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fluffy bunny
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Post by fluffy bunny » 16 Jan 2008

A) admit that you really were the jerk off that they thought you were at the time.

B) tell them that you meant well but had no idea at the time you were being fed a diet of lies, historical re-writes and so on, and now you don't just realise that; you know it.

C) don't mention it any more because as soon as you do, they will think that you are slipping back into it and trying to convert them subtlety.

People forget soon enough because they have enough of their own stuff to deal with. See the story of "the prodigal son".

Excuse my humor because there is truth in it. You raise a very worthy question to discuss. Repairing is also optional not obligatory. Sometimes it might just be impossible and you ought count your karma, move on and pay it back later. A big part of having family is for kids to look after folks when they get old, a system that has largely fallen apart in the West. How is that dealt with in India? Do Indian BKs go through such a vivid "detatchment" phase, or was that just something the Dadis duped us white pinks with?

peterbindi
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Post by peterbindi » 16 Jan 2008

Dear all.

After leaving the bk what was terrible, i realise that was something terrible wrong with the self. The feelings of what the f***k they, the bk, place in my soul came later. And what a monster i became.

To face your self in this situation takes time.
To find you're nature back takes time.

To repairing everything with family and connections, for me it was my heart in nature and that the people in this world belong to one Father, and this i learn from the advance knowledge.

Also the good BKs don't like that people have to suffer so much.

peterbindi

di
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Post by di » 16 Jan 2008

Very, very worthy question, and I can only answer from a personal point of view.

Hi everyone, I am still around, still think of you all, and still check in everyday to see what you are all up to and mentally send my love to you all. I don't forget my friends. The kids and I are doing really well now. Life is hard, work is continual (back to night shift nursing, the full time business and the 3 kids) and financially is beyond difficult. But we are doing really well and are still managing to stay in our home and are happy.

My stance is the damage is irreparable. But remember I am only one person, with my own views and my own personal story. It doesn't apply to everyone. Without trust there is no relationship. When trust and commitment has been abused as severely as it can be, there is no possibility of a relationship. It is not a matter of forgiving someone, but more a matter of the process one has to go through to survive the experience and then what it takes to pick up the shattered pieces and get on with one's life alone, and pave a new life. I suppose it would depend on how much history is there and to what degree the devastating manner in which the relationships were severed.

I think in this day and age, in the Western world, we tend to move on with our lives. It doesn't mean with have no feeling or care for the other person as a human being, but being prepared to once again sacrifice and take the risk of returning to the place that our partners lead us into via their association with the BK org is not one most of us would be prepared to take the risk of returning too.

My personal opinion and experience says that if a person has regrets or second thoughts about their decisions and actions, they still have to wear the consequences of them.

It is inescapable. To be sure, many are under undue influence and hypnotic and probably psychic control, but the bottom line is that they still allowed themselves to be drawn into that path instead of being responsible for what they do and what they are getting into, and it will eventually catch up. The big, and I mean major issue is that the issues or reasons that they got so involved in this movement and allowed it to destroy their families is still going to be there, unresolved, plus all the added issues they have to deal with on exiting from a cult. The pre-BK major problems are still there and not dealt with, so nothing is fixed and how can a relationship possibly work?

If it was my child, then I would probably have a different view. If it was a parent of mine, my view would probably be different. As it was my life partner, he made a decision to make the BK his life partner and forsake his family. A bridge not easily mended, if ever. In my case, never. I have moved on, and forward and the price I paid for his choices will never be repeated in my life. Over 12 months ago my hell started, and I am finally getting back to heaven, peace, laughter, security and love in my home - without a partner. Just my children and I.

I have found a special friend who luckily respects my situation and my recent experiences and who is prepared to respect a long 'getting to know you period'. There is no comparison to the respect and love, and way I am treated and cared for now, and the hatred my little family received at the hands of a 'pure BK' following his guidance from an Indian centre head.(There is no other way to describe what was done to the children and I)

So would I consider letting him back or being a friend? NEVER! He has proven himself to be untrustworthy and deceitful. Maybe if I was a needy person, who had such little self esteem I would accept anything to feel that someone might care about me, but I am not, and not desperate. It would be like a battered wife returning time and time again to her abusive husband knowing nothing would ever really change, but too scared to leave. Not me. It is not until you are fully removed from a BK situation that you can really clearly see it for what it is, and once you do, you will not consider returning to it, or any remanent of it.

So from the other side's (lokik) view on how to repair it?

Address your real issues and the fundamental problems that lead you into the cult. Be humble for a change and face those you wronged, knowing full well you probably will have the door slammed in your face. It will mean a lot more than you can ever realise that you had the courage to try to make amends.

Be prepared to accept that you maynot be able to have what you had before, but because of your experiences you can so cherish what you do have and what relationships you will have in the future ... only if you address and get help with the original problems and all the new ones you have since acquired.

Be prepared that you will more than likely have to make a new life with new people (well adjusted 'normal' types are helpful and healthy). Be honest with youself and with others about your actions and the effects ... but do not beat yourself up about it.

Most importantly....

Love yourself and be kind to yourself. Do what you can to rediscover who you are and find out what a beautiful person you are, cause you really are. no one else can love you if you do not love yourself. If your family watches from a distance (and they will, trust me on that one) and you show yourself to be responsible and taking positive steps to address your own personal problems they will warm to you and be far more likely to forgive. It gives hope to them.

The best thing you can do is get in contact with them, and show them how you are fixing your life up and what you are doing to become a 'whole' person again. Don't be clingy or needy, that will make them run a mile. Give them time to adjust to you being 'you' again.

Yes Ex-i, your humour has truth, BUT, depending on the depth of the hurt, you cannot forget, you can forgive maybe, but never forget.

Really sorry this post is so long ... but, hey ... its me, what can i say?

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alladin
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can mythomaniacs apologize?

Post by alladin » 16 Jan 2008

Although I do not want to quote here all the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, let me just copy 3 of them which are connected to the topic of "repairing":
  • 8.) Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

    9.) Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

    10.) Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
This is just to show that making amends is not an uncommon practise.

Some time ago, an ex BK was confessing to me that he felt that the BKWSU had worked as an addiction, to him. When we embrace a doctrine with that attitude, for sure certain mechanisms and harmful behaviours - to the self and others - manifest. Next step is detox, and as you are pointing out here, repairing. Possibly, a hindrance for BKs is Ego, the "we know it all, we know better". The cynicism BKs risk and tend to adopt with the excuse of "it's their karma/drama" and the arrogant vision that agyani souls are pariah, and similar attitudes, don't help, have to be observed and corrected with great honesty and humility. Possible, yet not an easy task for souls affected by the "Delusion of Grandeur" and other megalomanic myths! I suppose that reaching the stage of "coming down to earth" has to be the first step. One doesn't have wait until leaving the BKs, in order to do that!

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